Inflating a Dog Screenplay, Chapter 15

Inflating a Dog Screenplay
Chapter 15: Further Experimentation (in which Patti changes her clothes)

The screen rights are available.
E-mail Alec “Nick” Rafter.

INT. ELLA’S OLD CAR. LATER. Ella stops at Patti’s house.

ELLA
(as mothers will)
Peter, see Patti to the door.

Peter and Patti walk to the door.

PATTI
(calling)
Good night, Ella!
(to Peter)
Listen, I think you might be right about the paternity issue. You’re too nice a guy to be the son of a . . . nasty old crow. Let’s try the experiment again, okay?

PETER
(trying to seem blasé)
Well, okay. Sure.

CUT TO:

INT. DUDLEY’S LIVING ROOM. Peter is in Dudley’s chair, looking into the fire, waiting for Patti. The phone rings.

PETER

Hello?

PATTI, AS ELLA (ON PHONE)
(sweetly)
Dudley? It’s Ella.

PETER, AS DUDLEY
(overacting)
Ellllla! How are you, “Ella”?

PATTI, AS ELLA (ON PHONE)

I’m fine. Can I see you?

PETER, AS DUDLEY

More homework, I suppose?

PATTI, AS ELLA

Yeah, that’s it. More homework.

PETER, AS DUDLEY

Well, come right over, my dear.

PATTI, AS ELLA

I have to change my clothes first.

PETER, AS DUDLEY

Oh.

PATTI, AS ELLA

Go up to my room and change my clothes.

PETER, AS DUDLEY

Okay.

PATTI, AS ELLA

Just going to run up to my room . . .

PETER, AS DUDLEY
(the realization comes)
Oh. . . . Your room. . . . I see.

PATTI, AS ELLA

I’ll bet. Here I go. See you later.

Peter turns the light out and looks toward the room that was Ella’s. That light goes on, and there is Patti with PETER’S GRANDMOTHER by her side. Patti is claiming to have been spattered by a passing car. She pouts, plucks at her skirt, wrinkles her brow, and then, with a smile at the way good luck sometimes comes with bad, produces a change of clothes from a paper bag; Peter’s grandmother comforts Patti, then leaves the room, closing the door. Patti begins unbuttoning her blouse.

CUT TO:

INT. DUDLEY’S FRONT DOOR. A FEW MINUTES LATER. Peter opens the door with a trembling hand.

PATTI, AS ELLA
(the innocent darling)
Hi, Dud.

PETER, AS DUDLEY
(the dirty old man)
Come in, my dear.

CUT TO:

INT. THE MALT SHOP. THE NEXT DAY, AFTER SCHOOL. Slipping her lips over the tip of her straw, Patti sucks up a mouthful of vanilla milkshake.

PATTI
(soft, milky, and sweet)
Learn anything new last night?

PETER
(as if thoughtfully)
I learned . . . that you . . . have beautiful . . . breasts.

She laughs down the straw and it bubbles in her milkshake.

PETER (CONT’D.)

I always supposed that you did have beautiful breasts . . . but I was pleased . . . to have my supposition confirmed by direct observation and . . . digital palpation.

She uses her straw to blow a bit of milkshake at him.

PETER

Nice shot.

PATTI

Was this whole paternity thing just a way to get your hands on me?

PETER
(perhaps too quickly)
No! It wasn’t. Honest.

She rolls her eyes.

PETER (CONT’D.)
(in deep sincerity)
Patti . . . I really do have strong doubts about my paternity, and strong suspicions about Dudley Beaker and my mother. I meant what I said about the experiment, and I’m grateful to you for assisting me with it.
(with a shrug)
I never said I wouldn’t enjoy it.

She threatens him with the loaded straw again, and he raises his hands to suggest surrender, or a truce.

PATTI

Well, I learned something, too.

PETER
(hoping for a compliment)
Yes?

PATTI

Assuming that you’re doing a good job of playing Dudley . . .

She pauses and cocks her head.

PETER

I think I am.

PATTI

Then I think Ella had a crush on him.

PETER

Really?

PATTI

Yeah. He’s kind of cute . . . and I’m talking about him, you know, not you.

Peter hangs his head.

PATTI (CONT’D.)

You’re kind of cute, too, but I’m talking about Dudley.
(then, almost reluctantly)
There’s something . . . something I learned about myself . . .

PETER

What is it?

PATTI

I like to hear guys say, “I love you,” . . .

PETER

I think I could have guessed that.

PATTI

Patience, jackass.

PETER

Sorry.

PATTI

I like to hear, “I love you,” but I know it usually means something else.

PETER

Oh.

PATTI

But there is something that I might rather hear . . . “I want to take you away from all this.” Do you know what I mean at all? I mean take me away from my house and my family and the hallway with the torn carpet, and the smell in the morning when my little brother wets his bed, and the way my mother falls against the wall on nights when my father decides that a good smack will help her sleep, and the way she wheezes in the morning when she lights her cigarette, and the way she asks me if I want one, inviting me to join her in regretting everything I just listed for you. I’m not saying that Ella felt the same things I do, I just mean that she might have felt the way I do. I could be very attracted to a man who would take me away from all that . . . and I could imagine that Dudley might.

PETER
(in Dudley’s manner)
My dear, won’t you let me take you . . .

PATTI
(getting up, hurt)
Don’t make a joke out of it.

PETER

I’m sorry.

PATTI

I’m going home.

She walks to the door. At the door, she turns.

PATTI
(with a sweep of her arm)
Peter . . . why don’t you let me take you away from all this?

CUT TO:

EXT. A STREET IN BABBINGTON. A FEW MINUTES LATER. Peter and Patti walk arm in arm, along the way to her house.

PETER

I’m sorry. I was trying to clear the air . . . blow the smell of your brother’s piss away.

She laughs and draws herself closer to him.

CUT TO:

INFLATING A DOG SCREENPLAY | CONTENTS | CHAPTER 16

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The screenplay for Inflating a Dog is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, dialogues, settings, and businesses portrayed in it are products of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of this teleplay may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author.

The illustration at the top of the page is an adaptation of an illustration by Stewart Rouse that first appeared on the cover of the August 1931 issue of Modern Mechanics and Inventions. The boy at the controls of the aerocycle doesn’t particularly resemble Peter Leroy—except, perhaps, for the smile.

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