PLTV Pilot, Chapter 4

The Peter Leroy Television Series Pilot
Chapter 4

In Babbington, the series will run exclusively on WCLM-TV. However, in the real world the television rights are available. Contact: Graham Leader		4. THE DAUGHTER OF MR. YUMMY, in which Peter begins his story. EXT. BOLOTOMY BAY. MORNING, SUNNY. Peter stands at the wheel of the old clamboat that serves as a launch now, approaching the dock on Small’s Island. He throttles down, gauging the speed of his approach. PETER (muttering to the boat) Don’t stall. That’s all I ask. Just that one thing. The passengers are LOU (Bob Balducci, but no one, including the viewers, who know Balducci only as an invisible ventriloquist, knows that) and “DICK” and “JANE” (early thirties, romantic as newlyweds.) On shore, Albertine runs from the hotel to greet the guests. Peter takes a deep breath, throttles down another notch, heads toward the dock, and reverses the engine. It stalls. PETER (CONT’D.) (to the boat) Well, thank you. Thank you very much. I won’t forget this. He throws a glance at Albertine that says “I should have expected this, right?” She rolls her eyes. PETER (CONT’D.) (to the passengers, calmly, as if all is well) You might want to grab hold of something. We’ll be coming into the dock. The launch strikes the dock, sending the passengers staggering. They look questioningly at Peter, but he’s smiling, waving to Albertine, as if everything is just fine. He throws a line to her, and she snubs it around a piling. They exchange a glance and help the passengers off the boat. ALBERTINE Welcome! Delighted to have you here. The guests start up the path to the hotel, and Albertine and Peter begin piling their bags onto little red wagons. ALBERTINE What have we got? PETER Well, the couple . . . ALBERTINE The fun couple, Dick and Jane. PETER You’re kidding. ALBERTINE (with a wink and a smile) Not their real names. PETER (raising an eyebrow) Ohhh . . . ho-ho-ho. . . . Then there’s the grumpy guy . . . ALBERTINE “Call me Lou,” he said on the phone. “Everybody does.” But you’re already calling him the grumpy guy? PETER I’m afraid so. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think he’s one of those grumpy guys who’s always smiling, but when you look at that smile you know it’s a lie? Albertine smiles that kind of smile. PETER (CONT’D.) Uh-oh. What happened? They begin hauling the wagons full of luggage up the path. ALBERTINE Adventures in maintenance. PETER What now? ALBERTINE The boiler again. PETER Did you call the Tinkers? ALBERTINE I did . . . but they can’t come out until tomorrow, because . . . PETER Because what? ALBERTINE (with a tear in her eye) Because the Big Tinker died. PETER Oh, no. ALBERTINE There’s a curse on this place. Peter says nothing, just lowers his head. They haul the luggage to the hotel. CUT TO: INT. THE LOBBY OF THE HOTEL. The lobby is little more than a wide entrance hall. Peter carries the bags into the hotel. Albertine goes to work behind the desk. CUT TO: INT. CURT’S FURNISHED ROOM IN BABBINGTON. It’s not much, just a drab room in a small town. The one window looks out onto Main Street. The sounds of midday traffic wake Curt. He rouses himself and looks under the bed. His suitcase is there. He makes his way to the bathroom down the hall. He starts a shower. He shaves, carefully. He brushes his hair, neatly. Back in the room, he takes a suit and a clean shirt out of the closet, new, in the packaging of Babbington Men’s Wear. CUT TO: EXT. MAIN STREET IN BABBINGTON. Curt emerges, carrying the suitcase with the money. He looks pretty good. You’d probably lend him money. You wouldn’t get it back. He looks this way and that, uncertain which way to go. Then he notices Jeffrey’s Realty right next door. In he goes. CUT TO: INT. JEFFREY’S REALTY. A bell above the door tinkles when Curt walks in. JEFFREY, a fat and florid fellow, looks up from his lunch, a clamburger and a vanilla shake from (product placement) Kap’n Klam, a nationwide fast-food franchise chain that got its start right in Babbington. JEFFREY (eager for business) Well, hello there! You’ve kind of taken me by surprise. I don’t usually see my first customer until . . . (consults his watch) . . . next Thursday. (extending his hand) I’m Jeffrey, of Jeffrey’s Realty, and the staff . . . is out to lunch. (doesn’t get a laugh) And you are . . . CURT Curtis . . . (the slightest hesitation) . . . Little. JEFFREY Mister Little! It’s a pleasure. Sit down, sit down. (when Curt is sitting) What can I do for you? Are you buying or selling? CURT Buying. JEFFREY (filling out a form) And what are you looking for? CURT There’s an island in the bay . . . Small’s Island. JEFFREY Oh, yes, of course. Small’s Island. Where the hotel is. CURT Hotel? JEFFREY Yes. Big old place. On the verge of collapse. CURT A hotel? It used to be a private home. JEFFREY Oh, yes, once upon a time. But a young couple bought it. Well, they were young when they bought it. A place like that ages you. Local boy and his wife. They’ve never quite made a go of it. But they keep trying . . . CURT You think they’d sell? JEFFREY Sell? Oh, I don’t know. I think it’s one of those always-wanted-to-run-a-small-hotel things. A romantic notion. CURT Money is no object. JEFFREY (interested now) I’ll make a note of that. . . . Tell you what, Curtis -- may I call you Curtis? -- why don’t I offer them a free appraisal of their property? That’s a little trick of the trade. . . . We do a free appraisal and that kind of plants the idea of selling in their heads. Shall I do that? CURT Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, uh . . . JEFFREY Jeffrey. (hands him a card) Of Jeffrey’s Realty. CUT TO:
THIRTY SECONDS OF "LOCO DE AMOR" DAVID BYRNE		MUSIC UP: David Byrne’s “Loco de Amor (Crazy for Love)”: “There’s an island in a bay . . .” EXT. MAIN STREET. A COUPLE OF MINUTES LATER. Curt is walking along with his suitcase full of money. He spots the First National Bank of Babbington. He enters. CUT TO: INT. THE BANK. Marvin Jones, now vice-president, greets Curt. CUT TO: INT. THE SAFE-DEPOSIT VAULT. Curt is ushered in by Marvin. When he’s alone, Curt begins stuffing the rumpled bills into a very large safe-deposit drawer. CUT TO: INT. THE LOUNGE AT SMALL’S HOTEL, THAT EVENING. Peter is sitting alone at the bar, having one drink too many before dinner, looking disappointed. CUT TO: INT. THE DINING ROOM. Albertine and Suki are serving dinner to the guests. When they’ve finished, they put dishes of food on the table where they and Peter will eat. CUT TO: INT. THE LOUNGE. Albertine pokes her head through the door, spots Peter, comes to him, takes his hand and tugs him off his stool, leading him toward the dining room. CUT TO: INT. THE DINING ROOM, END OF DINNER. The guests are finishing dinner, leaving uneaten a strange orange gluey something, one of Suki’s experiments. Peter rises . . . MUSIC DOWN PETER (to the guests) Ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll join me in the lounge, I’ll tell you a story. CUT TO:
THIRTY SECONDS OF "MEMORIES OF YOU" ZOOT SIMS		INT. THE LOUNGE, AFTER DINNER. The guests get settled. Peter takes a place before the fire, standing, facing the guests. He checks his notes; he’s a bit nervous about this. Albertine sits at her piano and gives Peter a questioning glance. He nods and shrugs to indicate “ready as I’ll every be,” and she plays a bit of “Memories of You” in a straight-ahead style. PETER (hesitantly at first) One night . . . late in the spring . . . quite a few years ago now . . . when all of the summer and most of my life lay ahead of me . . . (getting into it) . . . full of possibilities, fertile as a field growing wild, five of us were camping in my back yard . . . DISSOLVE TO: EXT. PETER’S BACK YARD, 1957. The camping scene, as earlier. Raskol, Marvin, Spike, Matthew, and Peter are sitting around the campfire toasting marshmallows. PETER (V.O.) . . . Rodney Lodkochnikov, Marvin Jones, Rose O’Grady, Matthew Barber, and me. Rodney was known as Raskol, and Rose called herself Spike. The rest of us used our real names. The kids are talking, but we can’t make out what they’re saying. Matthew’s marshmallow bursts into flame. He pulls it from the fire and rotates it to char it on all sides. MATTHEW (just curious) Can you imagine being someone else? YOUNG PETER Who? MATTHEW Nobody in particular. Just not being yourself. Being someone else. SPIKE Yeah, but who? MATTHEW Anyone. Someone who doesn’t exist, but might have existed. Somebody new. He blows the flame out and waves the marshmallow in the air. RASKOL (stirring the fire) Come on . . . MATTHEW Okay, okay . . . I mean, what if some other sperm had reached your mother’s egg before the one that did? SPIKE (clenching her jaw and squinting at Matthew) What are you getting at? MATTHEW Well . . . what I mean is . . . SPIKE (interrupting him) What I mean is, are you suggesting something about my mother? She leans toward Matthew. The fire separates them, but even so Matthew pulls away. MATTHEW No. No, of course not. I mean, I am suggesting that she gave birth to you. He pauses, smiling, hoping for a laugh, but Spike doesn’t even return the smile. MATTHEW (CONT’D.) And to do that she had to have a sperm. SPIKE Do you want a fat lip? MATTHEW No, I do not want a fat lip, thank you. SPIKE Then stop saying things about my mother. MATTHEW I’m not saying anything about your mother. I mean, except for . . . Spike leans closer. The flames light her from below. SPIKE I’ll defend my mother’s good name against all comers. MATTHEW I’m sure you would. SPIKE (squinting at him again) Are you saying it needs defending? MARVIN Oh, come on, cut it out. SPIKE (grinning and shrugging) Okay, okay. I was only kidding. She tosses some twigs into the fire so that it flares dramatically, shrugs again, and adds . . . SPIKE (CONT’D.) For all I know, I’m the milkman’s daughter. PETER, MATTHEW, RASKOL, and MARVIN think about this in silence for a moment. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. BABBINGTON, LATE 1950s, SPIKE’S PART OF TOWN, DAY. Spike’s neighborhood is working-class, a little shabby, with very small houses, old cars (1945-1950). MR. DONATI, the milkman, pulls up in his delivery van, and swings down from the van with a carrier full of milk in bottles. He is short, bald, heavy, sweating. CUT TO: EXT. THE FIRESIDE Close shot of SPIKE. She looks nothing like Mr. Donati. YOUNG PETER Nah. RASKOL Not a chance. MARVIN Highly unlikely. MATTHEW squirms in place and scratches his ear. When he has something to say he cannot allow himself to say nothing, however prudent that might be. Finally, he says . . . MATTHEW Mr. Yummy. None of the others say a thing. They study Spike, sidelong, and they mentally compare her with Mr. Yummy. DISSOLVE TO:
		EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF YOUNG PETER’S HOUSE, LATE 1950s, DAY. A gleaming white delivery van pulls up. Lettered on the side is “LOOK! HERE COMES SOMETHING YUMMY!” There is an illustration of a platter of baked goods. PETER (V.O.) Mr. Yummy made deliveries for the Yummy Good baked goods company. MR. YUMMY leaps from the van, full of vim and vigor, takes a tray of baked goods from the back, and starts up the driveway to the side door of the Leroy house, whistling. PETER (CONT’D., V.O.) It was always a pleasant surprise when he arrived . . . MR. YUMMY arrives at the back door, almost leaps up the steps, and knocks a syncopated knock, rap-tap-tapping in a jazzy way. PETER (CONT’D, V.O.) . . . with his Yummy Good goods. CUT TO: INT. THE LEROY KITCHEN, LATE 1950s. ELLA LEROY is cleaning or cooking. She looks up when she hears MR. YUMMY’S knock and, recognizing it, giggles girlishly. Young Peter is there, eating a bowl of cereal, and watches this. ELLA LEROY (surprised and delighted) Just a minute! She whisks off her apron and dashes out of the kitchen. PETER (V.O.) His customers called him Mr. McDougal. Ella returns to the kitchen. She has freshened her lipstick. She’s brushing her hair. Before opening the door, she tosses the hairbrush into a kitchen drawer. PETER (CONT’D., V.O.) But the kids called him Mr. Yummy. Ella flings the kitchen door open, and there is MR. YUMMY, smiling from ear to ear. PETER (CONT’D., V.O.) He was handsome, and he had a big smile . . . and freckles, like Spike. CUT TO: EXT. THE CAMPFIRE. SPIKE (responding to Matthew) Now you’re talking! Look at these freckles! Look at this smile! She smiles her smile, and the truth gleams. Spike is the daughter of Mr. Yummy. There can be no doubt about it. YOUNG PETER (shyly) I never noticed before. SPIKE (grinning, teasing) Maybe you never saw me in the right light. PETER (V.O.) That must have been it, because after that night I came to think of her . . . CUT TO:
THIRTY SECONDS OF "WHOS' THAT KNOCKING?" THE GENIES		INT. SMALL’S HOTEL LOUNGE. PRESENT. PETER (CONT’D.) . . . as the daughter of Mr. Yummy, and of Mr. Yummy as the father of everything in life that I didn’t understand. The story is finished. The audience sits in awkward silence for a moment, until Peter says . . . PETER That’s the first episode of a serial story that I call “Dead Air.” I’ll be telling episode two tomorrow night, right here, same time, same place. The audience laughs and gives Peter a round of nearly silent applause, and Albertine plays a little bit of “Who’s That Knocking?” recorded in 1958 by the Genies. LOU (turning to Jane) Can you imagine being someone else? JANE (confidentially) To tell you the truth . . . I’m being someone else right now. LOU (raising his eyebrows) Are you? JANE (coyly) Yes. DICK (to Lou, man to man) Puts a little spice in the marriage to get away from ourselves sometimes. Run away to someplace and become a couple of people we don’t know. LOU (glancing from side to side as if checking to see if anyone’s listening) Well, let me tell you something. You had me completely fooled. The three of them laugh at this, but Dick and Jane exchange a questioning glance, as if they wonder whether they ought to be laughing at a joke that might have been made at their expense. Lou wanders over to the bar and stands there for a moment, hoping that a bartender will appear. Albertine notices. ALBERTINE (to Lou) Lou, I’m sorry to say that we no longer employ a bartender, but you are more than welcome to pour for yourself. Lou takes to the suggestion at once, rubbing his hands at the prospect, like a guy who has always wanted to try bartending. He pours himself a cognac, the last little bit in the bottle. LOU (to the room) Can I fix anybody anything? Dick? Jane? Dick and Jane have been whispering, almost nuzzling each other. Startled, they look up. JANE Oh . . . no . . . no thanks. They put their heads together again. JANE (whispering, embarrassed, but eager, girlish) You’re embarrassing me. We can’t just rush out and dash upstairs. Dick looks crestfallen. JANE (CONT’D.) Come with me. She takes Dick by the hand and approaches Peter, hesitantly, looking embarrassed. JANE (politely) Thank you. . . . for the story. DICK (recognizing the right thing to do) Yeah. It was . . . interesting. JANE (faking a yawn) I am just so tired. It must be the ocean breezes. They turn and all but run from the lounge and up the stairs. PETER (in their direction) Bay breezes. It’s the bay breezes. CUT TO: INT. PETER AND ALBERTINE’S BEDROOM, LATER. Peter and Albertine are in bed, side by side. We see them from above. They’re staring up at the ceiling. PETER What do you think? ALBERTINE Can you get some nudity in? PETER Nudity? ALBERTINE Full frontal, if possible. She reaches for the light on her bedside table. CUT TO: EXT. THE BABBINGTON TOWN DOCK. Curt leans on a railing, observing Small’s Hotel through a spyglass. CUT TO: EXT. THROUGH THE SPYGLASS. The light in Peter and Albertine’s bedroom goes out. CUT TO: EXT. THE TOWN DOCK. Curt collapses the spyglass, puts it in his pocket and begins walking back to town, whistling “There’s a Small Hotel.” CUT TO:
		PLTV \| CONTENTS \| COMMERCIAL BREAK 1

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The scripts for The Personal History, Adventures, Experiences & Observations of Peter Leroy Television Series are works of fiction. The characters, incidents, dialogues, settings, and businesses portrayed in it are products of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of this teleplay may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author.

The illustration at the top of the page is an adaptation of an illustration by Stewart Rouse that first appeared on the cover of the August 1931 issue of Modern Mechanics and Inventions. The boy at the controls of the aerocycle doesn’t particularly resemble Peter Leroy—except, perhaps, for the smile.

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ABOUT THE PERSONAL HISTORY
COMPONENTS OF THE WORK
REVIEWS OF THE ENTIRE WORK
AUTHOR’S STATEMENT

LITTLE FOLLIES
HERB ’N’ LORNA
RESERVATIONS RECOMMENDED
WHERE DO YOU STOP?
WHAT A PIECE OF WORK I AM
AT HOME WITH THE GLYNNS
LEAVING SMALL’S HOTEL
INFLATING A DOG
PASSIONATE SPECTATOR
MAKING MY SELF
A TOPICAL GUIDE

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