ANIMATED CARTOON. KAP’N KLAM (see sketch in character list), a crusty seafaring type with scruffy clothes and a floppy hat, holding a pint of ale, addresses the viewers.

KAP’N KLAM

Smarten up, you sap . . . get yourself a Kap’n Klam franchise before you find yourself, like poor Dan, out-scored by an old drinking buddy . . .

NAN (V.O., HER THOUGHTS)

Here comes Dan’s old buddy, Stan!  He sure looks successful!  If only I had run off with him last summer when he asked me to!

DAN (V.O., HIS THOUGHTS)

I knew we shouldn’t have come to this party!  Here comes that s.o.b. Stan.  Wow!  Look at that bimbo with him!  He sure looks like a success!  I bet Nan wishes . . .

STAN

(a blowhard)

Hi, Danny Boy!  How’s it goin’?  Still stuck in that dead-end job of yours?  Nan!  You look frustrated, kid!  I’ll bet your sex life has taken a nose dive since we broke up!  Take a tip from me, Danny!  Get out of genetic engineering and get yourself a Kap’n Klam franchise!  I tell you the sky’s the limit in bivalve-based junk food!  Once you give your self-esteem a boost, Nan’s sure to notice an improvement in the sack!

NAN

Wowser!

DAN (V.O., HIS THOUGHTS)

Why was I born?

STAN

(rolling on)

Take it from me, Danny!  Kap’n Klam’s exclusive triple-breading process doubles the profits from fried clams!  And Kap’n Klam’s clam-flavored baked stuffed stuffing provides bulk without bother!  A patented gadget does all the work for you!  You just throw 800 pounds of stale bread, one packet of Kap’n Klam’s patented Klamessence seasoning, and a whole lot of water into the hopper and out the bottom oozes steaming hot mush that, topped with plenty of paprika, could be the key to the Mercedes you’ve been dreaming about and a more satisfying sex life to boot!

NAN

Holy cow!

DAN (V.O., HIS THOUGHTS)

How did he know about the Mercedes?

KAP’N KLAM

Don’t delay . . . call today . . .

You'll find more swell ideas from Candi Lee here.

Copyright © 2002 by Eric Kraft
Registered with the Writers Guild of America East May 23, 2002 

The scripts for The Personal History, Adventures, Experiences & Observations of Peter Leroy Television Series are works of fiction. The characters, incidents, dialogues, settings, and businesses portrayed in it are products of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. 

All rights reserved. No part of this teleplay may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author. 

The illustration at the top of the page is an adaptation of an illustration by Stewart Rouse that first appeared on the cover of the August 1931 issue of Modern Mechanics and Inventions. The boy at the controls of the aerocycle doesn’t particularly resemble Peter Leroy—except, perhaps, for the smile.