Inflating a Dog Screenplay, Chapter 14

Inflating a Dog Screenplay
Chapter 14: A Real Blowtorch (in which Bert, thinking that Ella’s horse is Porky’s, bets on it)

by Eric Kraft

The screen rights are available.
E-mail Alec “Nick” Rafter.

INT. THE LEROY FAMILY LIVING ROOM, EVENING. Bert is slumped in his favorite chair, staring blankly at the black-and-white TV, where an episode of “Video Rangers” is underway. It’s a locally produced adventure serial set on a spaceship somewhere in another galaxy sometime in the future. It’s a kids’ show. The production values are poor; the budget is tiny; the actors are comically inept. Several empty beer bottles are on the table beside Bert, also a jar of pickled cherry peppers. He burps and pokes in the jar for the last of them.

CUT TO:

The back porch, where Ella, Peter, and Patti creep up the stairs. Ella puts on a brave smile and crosses her fingers.
Ella opens the door and immediately calls out to Bert.

ELLA
(brightly, forced)
Hello-oh-oh! We’re home! I’ll bet you thought we’d never get here.

CUT TO:

The living room. Bert scowls.

CUT TO:

Bert’s point of view, looking toward the kitchen. Ella comes through the doorway.

BERT
(fuming)
Where the hell have you two been . . .

He is struck dumb by the sight of Patti.

CUT TO:

Bert’s point of view. Patti stands there looking luscious, playing at being sweet and shy.

PATTI

Hi. I’m Patti. Peter’s friend.
(a beat)
Ella’s friend.

ELLA
(teasing Bert)
Isn’t she cute?

She reaches into the bag of clamburgers, pulls one out, and tosses it to Bert, as if flinging a steak into a cage. Startled from his fixation on Patti, Bert catches it.

BERT

Hey . . .
(smelling the burger)
. . . mmm, clamburgers.

CUT TO:

A few minutes later. Everyone’s eating and, halfheartedly, watching “Video Rangers.” The dialogue coming from the television set is murmurous and mostly unintelligible, though now and then a word or phrase comes through: “anti-gravity drive,” “creatures from another world,” “sabotage.”

ELLA
(suddenly eager)
Oh! I forgot to tell you . . . Porky White is investing in a new business.

BERT
(suspiciously, enviously)
What sort of new business?

ELLA

Elegant Excursions.

BERT
(mystified)
Elegant Excursions?

ELLA

It’s going to be a boat that takes people on excursions. Cruises on the bay. In the moonlight.

BERT

Eating clamburgers?

ELLA

Oh, no, no. Hors d’oeuvres. Canapés. Little sandwiches on colored bread.

BERT
(recognizing a theme)
What?

ELLA

He’s going to work up a clam spread. Cream cheese and chopped clams.

BERT

Don’t tell me: in pastel colors.

ELLA

What a good idea, Bert!

BERT

Oh, yeah. I wonder where I got it.

They eat in silence for a moment. Ella is searching for a way to take the conversation where she wants it to go.

ELLA

You’ve got to hand it to Porky.

BERT

Do I? Why?

ELLA

That clam bar is a big success.

BERT

Luck. Just luck. In Porky’s case, Dumb luck.

ELLA

Oh, Bert . . .

BERT

He just happened to get into the clam-bar business at the right time . . . right before the clam fad hit.

ELLA

The clam fad?

BERT

Sure. Clams are the cat’s pajamas now . . . or whatever it is kids say.
(to Patti)
What do you say? The cat’s pajamas . . . great . . . terrific?

PATTI

A pump. Or a blow jo— . . .
(she catches herself)
BERT

What?

PATTI
(looking to Peter)
. . . blow . . .

PETER
(inspired)
Torch. A blowtorch.

BERT
(trying it out)
Blowtorch. Clams are a blowtorch.

PETER
(improvising)
A real blowtorch.

BERT

Clams are a real blowtorch now.

PATTI

You’ve got it Mr. Leroy.

BERT

A real blowtorch! Look at us. We’re the proof of it. We’re all eating clamburgers. Q. E. D., right Peter?

PETER

I guess so.

Bert looks at his second clamburger, sneers at it.

BERT

Luck. . . . Dumb luck. . . . It’s just a matter of being in the right place at the right time. . . . And for some reason that I will never understand, Chester White, Chester White, who wasn’t even in the right line when they were handing the brains out, has a knack for being in the right place at the right time.

He opens another bottle of beer and takes a long swallow.

BERT (CONT’D.)

The son of a bitch . . . pardon my French . . . the son of a gun . . . is a lucky son of a bitch.

Another long swallow.

BERT (CONT’D.)

Some people have luck, and some do not. He’s got it. I wish I did.

ELLA
(playing a part)
Wouldn’t it be great if we could find a way to get some of it to rub off on us?

Bert gives Ella a dismissive look and takes a swallow.

BERT
(through beer foam)
Pffff.

ELLA
(maneuvering)
How does that go, what you say about getting a ride on somebody else’s luck?

BERT

Bet on his horse.

ELLA

Oh, yes. That’s right.

She sighs as if she can’t see how that might help them get a ride on Porky’s luck. Patti sees what she’s up to.

PATTI

Gee, I might have an idea.
(with her famous pout)
But it’s probably stupid.

BERT

An idea is like a little bird, young lady. You’ve got to give it a push out of the nest and see if it can fly.

He pantomimes this for Patti’s benefit, and Ella, Patti, and Peter manage somehow not to laugh.

PATTI
(as if awed by his wisdom)
Well, okay.

She pantomimes a fluttering little bird.

PATTI (CONT’D.)

I was just thinking that maybe we could get a ride on Porky’s luck if we . . .

Inspiration strikes. She will let Bert come up with the idea of investing instead of suggesting it herself.

PATTI (CONT’D.)
(weakly)
. . . asked him for jobs or something.

BERT
(smiling indulgently)
That’s very good.
(pantomiming again)
Let’s see it fly.

Patti obliges him and flutters her little hands. Bert flaps his hands like the wings of a bird of prey, and suddenly his hands swoop down on Patti’s and grab them.

BERT (CONT’D.)
(almost brutally)
Aw, gee, . . . the little thing didn’t get very far. A nasty crow got it. . . . Let’s try something else.
(mimes another fledgling)
Suppose we invest, too!

ELLA
(apparently concerned)
Oh, Bert, that sounds risky.

BERT

Ella, you don’t know anything about it. We’ll put in as much as Porky does. Why should he make all the money?
(with a wink at Patti)
We’re going to bet on Porky’s horse.

Patti smiles winningly, but when Bert turns aside to reach for his beer, she lets her dislike show for just a moment.

CUT TO:

INFLATING A DOG SCREENPLAY | CONTENTS | CHAPTER 15

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The screenplay for Inflating a Dog is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, dialogues, settings, and businesses portrayed in it are products of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of this teleplay may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author.

The illustration at the top of the page is an adaptation of an illustration by Stewart Rouse that first appeared on the cover of the August 1931 issue of Modern Mechanics and Inventions. The boy at the controls of the aerocycle doesn’t particularly resemble Peter Leroy—except, perhaps, for the smile.

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