Inflating a Dog Screenplay, Chapter 17

Inflating a Dog Screenplay
Chapter 17: The Arrogance of the Ignorant (in which Peter needs a bilge pump)

The screen rights are available.
E-mail Alec “Nick” Rafter.

EXT. ARCINELLA. MOMENTS LATER. Captain Mac is out of earshot. Ella stands on the bulkhead with her hands on her hips, looks out at Arcinella, and says . . .

ELLA

Let’s get to work!

PATTI

Aye-aye, Captain Ella!

Ella and Patti spring to work with mops and cleanser.

ELLA
(pointing below)
Peter, I think that’s your area, down there, the engine and all that.

PETER

Aye-aye, Mom.

He goes below to the engine room and the dank hold.

CUT TO:

INT. THE ENGINE ROOM. A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER. Peter is cleaning the engine with an old toothbrush. He becomes aware that the bilgewater has risen above the planking. It sloshes as the boat rocks. He touches the surface with his hand. It is half an inch or so above the decking. The boat is sinking.

ELLA (FROM ABOVE)

Peter! Time to call it a day.

PETER

Okay. Coming.

CUT TO:

EXT. ARCINELLA, ABOVE DECKS. Peter emerges, greasy, hiding the terrible secret.

ELLA

You need a good scrubbing. Let’s get you home and into a hot shower.

CUT TO:

INT. PETER’S BEDROOM. LATE THAT NIGHT. Peter can’t sleep.
He gets out of bed, dresses in the dark, makes his way down the stairs, avoiding the one that creaks, lets himself out of the house, and heads toward the docks at a brisk pace.

CUT TO:

EXT. NIGHT. THE STRETCH OF THE BOLOTOMY WHERE ARCINELLA IS DOCKED. MINUTES LATER. As Peter comes along the bulkhead, he sees someone aboard Arcinella. He slips into the shadows. He sees that it’s Captain Macomangus.
What is Captain Mac up to? He closes the hatch on the forward deck and steps onto the bulkhead. He glances around, furtively. He doesn’t see Peter. Off he goes, on down the road.
Peter comes out of hiding and goes to Arcinella. He steps aboard and looks around to see if anything is missing. When he gets below he finds that the bilge has been pumped dry.

CUT TO:

INT. PETER’S BEDROOM. THE NEXT NIGHT. LATE. Peter, dressed, listens at the door until Bert turns the TV off after the eleven o’clock news and goes to bed.
Then he creeps down the stairs, opens the back door very slowly and quietly, and slips out into the night.

CUT TO:

EXT. A STREET IN BABBINGTON. Peter walks and runs through the sleeping town.

ADULT PETER (V. O.)

After two or three nights, I came to understand what the captain was up to: he was bailing Arcinella, but he was pumping a little less water from her each night. He wanted it to seem that she had begun leaking only after that collision with the bulkhead, my fault.

He arrives at Arcinella’s slip.

CUT TO:

INT. ARCINELLA’S BILGE. Peter bails. He bails, and he bails. It’s slow and it’s boring.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE LODKOCHNIKOV HOUSE. THE NEXT MORNING. The house, a shack on pilings over the river, is just a short way from where Arcinella is berthed. Peter knocks. His friend RASKOL LODKOCHNIKOV (13, wiry, tough) opens the door and finds Peter standing in front of him. He folds his arms and leans back against the doorframe, frowning.

PETER

I . . . um . . . I need some help . . .

Raskol smirks and snorts and lets an awkward moment pass.

RASKOL
(calling into the house)
Dad! Peter’s here.

MR. LODKOCHNIKOV
(from within)
Well, well, well.

MR. LODKOCHNIKOV (40, short, squat, toughened by years on the bay) comes to the door and folds his arms in the same manner.

MR. LODKOCHNIKOV (CONT’D.)

So you’ve come to talk to us.

PETER

Yeah.

MR. LODKOCHNIKOV
(calling into the house)
Mother! Peter’s come to talk to us!

MRS. LODKOCHNIKOV (40, short, squat, toughened by years of marriage to a bayman) appears.

MRS. LODKOCHNIKOV
(calling into the house)
Big Ernie! Little Ernie! Ariane! Peter’s here to talk to us!

THE TWO ERNIES (mid-twenties, bruisers) and their very sexy sister ARIANE appear and stand behind their stocky parents, folding their arms and smirking in the same way.

BIG ERNIE

So you come to talk to us, Peter.

PETER

Yeah.

MRS. LODKOCHNIKOV

About Captain Mac’s old Arcinella.

MR. LODKOCHNIKOV

About how old Arcinella is sinking.

PETER
(surprised)
That’s right.

LITTLE ERNIE

It’s widely known, Peter.

BIG ERNIE

It’s been widely known for some time.

MR. LODKOCHNIKOV

The poor old thing’s been on the way down for ‘bout a year now, Peter.

PETER
(feeling foolish)
What a jerk.

All six Lodkochnikovs emit nearly identical snorts.

MRS. LODKOCHNIKOV
(hurt)
Why didn’t you come to us before you bought the boat, Peter?

PETER

Well, I . . . I don’t know.

MRS. LODKOCHNIKOV

Yes, you do. You do know why. . . .

PETER

I do?

MRS. LODKOCHNIKOV

Yes. You’ve reached that age when you think you know more than you do.

PETER

Yeah, I’ve been told that.

MRS. LODKOCHNIKOV

The person who thinks he knows more than he does tends to ignore people who know what he doesn’t.
(pause)
That’s the arrogance of the ignorant.

PETER
(squirming)
Yeah.

BIG ERNIE

You were pig-headed.

LITTLE ERNIE

You were a fool.

MR. LODKOCHNIKOV
(proudly)
You can count on my boys to sum up a complex argument in a few words.

The Lodkochnikovs, offended by Peter’s not having consulted them, back into the house and shut the door on him.

PETER
(weakly, to the door)
But . . . could I borrow a bilge pump?

CUT TO:

INFLATING A DOG SCREENPLAY | CONTENTS | CHAPTER 18

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The screenplay for Inflating a Dog is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, dialogues, settings, and businesses portrayed in it are products of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of this teleplay may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author.

The illustration at the top of the page is an adaptation of an illustration by Stewart Rouse that first appeared on the cover of the August 1931 issue of Modern Mechanics and Inventions. The boy at the controls of the aerocycle doesn’t particularly resemble Peter Leroy—except, perhaps, for the smile.

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