PETER (AS DUDLEY)

But, my dear, there is no inherent meaning to life at all.  We poor creatures insist on trying to add meaning to it, like chocolate sauce on a quite meaningless scoop of vanilla ice cream.

PATTI (AS ELLA)

(squirming, stopping him)

There’s something wrong with this.

PETER (AS DUDLEY)

(nuzzling her neck)

Scruples, my little darling?

PATTI (HERSELF)

I can imagine it . . . but . . .

PETER (HIMSELF)

What?

PATTI

I’m not having any fun.

PETER

(crushed)

Oh.

PATTI

(giving him a squeeze)

I mean, Ella’s not.

PETER

(relieved)

Oh!

PATTI

Here’s what I think.  I think she might have let Dudley snuggle her a bit . . . might have let him feel her up . . . and there might have been some kissing . . . and romantic words . . . a lot of romantic words, since it is very hard to shut Dudley up . . . but I think that’s as far as it went . . . because she stopped enjoying it.

PETER

She didn’t enjoy it long enough to conceive me?

PATTI

I think . . . that . . . if she did get into something with Dudley . . . it was because she was missing somebody else.

PETER

What?

PATTI

She was longing for someone else, and she took some consolation from Dudley.

PETER

Someone else?  Who’s on your list?

PATTI

Your uncle.

PETER

My uncle?

PATTI

Your father’s brother . . . Buster.

PETER

But he was killed in the war.

PATTI

He was smart, funny, charming . . . and very good-looking.  I’ve read the letters he wrote to your grandparents after he joined the navy.  I think you would have liked him.  I think I would have liked him.  And from talking with your grandmother I got the impression that Ella liked him very much.

PETER

But he died long before I was born.

PATTI

(covering his eyes)

Let’s suppose that the war is over.

PATTI (CONT’D., V. O.)

Buster has not come home.  But Bert has.  Your mother is despondent over the loss of Buster, and she realizes how much she loved him.

PETER (V. O.)

Yeah.

PATTI (V. O.)

But Bert is home.

PETER (V. O.)

Right.

PATTI (V. O.)

She and Bert meet.  They’re awkward.  Bert feels guilty about surviving . . .

PETER (V. O.)

Mm.

PATTI (V. O.)

And then it happens.

PETER (V. O.)

What?

PATTI (V. O.)

I don’t know . . . a shrug . . . a laugh, something that makes Ella see how much of Buster there is in Bert.

PETER (V. O.)

Oh.  I’m beginning to see . . .

PATTI

I’ll be Ella.  You be Bert.

PETER

Aw, no . . . not that.

PATTI

Come on.  It’s an experiment, remember?

PETER

(with no enthusiasm)

Okay.

PATTI (AS ELLA)

(whispering)

Oh, how I missed you, how I missed you. 

PATTI (AS ELLA, CONT’D.)

I’m so happy to have you here with me.

ADULT PETER (V. O.)

What followed was bliss.  She threw herself into the experiment with a passion that I hadn’t seen before.  I was delighted to accept everything she gave me, and it never bothered me once that she kept murmuring . . .

PATTI (AS ELLA)

Oh, Buster, Buster.

You'll find more swell ideas from Candi Lee here.

Copyright © 2001 by Eric Kraft
Registered with the Writers Guild of America East in 2001 

The screenplay for Inflating a Dog is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, dialogues, settings, and businesses portrayed in it are products of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. 

All rights reserved. No part of this teleplay may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author. 

The illustration at the top of the page is an adaptation of an illustration by Stewart Rouse that first appeared on the cover of the August 1931 issue of Modern Mechanics and Inventions. The boy at the controls of the aerocycle doesn’t particularly resemble Peter Leroy—except, perhaps, for the smile.