| The Peter Leroy Television Series Pilot
Chapter 7 |
by Eric
Kraft
|
In Babbington, the series will run exclusively on
WCLM-TV.
|
7. BOB BALDUCCI’S CHECKERED CAREER, in which we
learn how Bob wound up playing second banana to a dummy.
One spring night, many years ago, I was camping in my back yard . . .PETER DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. PETER’S BACK YARD. LATE 1950s. Peter and friends
around the fire. Favor each of the friends as he mentions them.
Spike stirs the fire while the rest of them try to think of a way to change the subject. They sit there, working their jaws over their gum, ruminating vigorously, thinking.. . . with my friends Raskol, Marvin, Spike, and Matthew. Spike had just suggested that she might be the daughter of Mr. Yummy. . . .PETER (CONT’D., V.O.) The ideas come at last, quickly, one on top of another.In the embarrassed silence that followed, we tried to think of a way to change the subject.PETER (CONT’D., V.O.) Another silence falls. The kids spend some time thinking about these weighty matters. Then, when they finally speak, they all ask the same question . . .Are people inherently good or inherently evil?MATTHEWAre flying saucers real?YOUNG PETERDo hermits really live in caves?MARVINDo they fake the pictures in those nudist magazines?SPIKEAny more potato chips?RASKOL Grinning, Spike produces a folded magazine from her back pocket. The group gathers round. Murmurs, mumbles, and whispers as they turn the pages, including . . .What pictures?ALL After they have looked at the pictures very thoroughly, fatigue settles over them, and they turn in.How do they make those black rectangles stay on the people’s faces?RASKOL Marvin turns his portable radio on. It takes a while to warm up, so the sound of Baldy’s voice comes upon them gradually.We can still catch a little of Baldy.YOUNG PETER(to Marvin)Oh, sure.MARVIN Marvin tuned in to “Baldy’s Nightcap.” This was a radio program hosted by a dummy — that was Baldy. His ventriloquist, Bob Balducci, was relegated to the background . . .PETER (V.O) CUT TO:
INT. SMALL’S HOTEL LOUNGE. Lou listening, trying to
appear only as interested as anyone else would be.
Formerly a famous ventriloquist, he was now assistant to a dummy.PETER DISSOLVE TO:
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TWENTY-ONE SECONDS OF
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INT. 1955. A restaurant where the radio program
“Bob Balducci’s Breakfast Bunch” is being broadcast, live, with an audience
of little old ladies sitting at tables eating breakfast. Bob Balducci,
slick and prosperous, holding his spiffy dummy, Baldy, is bringing his
program to an end.
MUSIC UP: The lively Breakfast Bunch closing theme, “I’m Feelin’ Devilish (Oh By Golly Oh)” performed by Fletcher Henderson’s Dixie Stompers.Years earlier, “Bob Balducci’s Breakfast Bunch” had been a big hit. It was broadcast live . . . and that’s what got Bob in trouble . . .PETER (V.O.)That brings another gathering of the Breakfast Bunch to a close, but it has been so wonderful being here with all of you lovely ladies this morning that I think we ought to do it again tomorrow . . . don’t you?BOB BALDUCCI(to his adoring audience)Yes, Bob!BREAKFAST BUNCH AUDIENCE(enthusiastically) |
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THRITY-FIVE SECONDS OF
VOCAL BY ADELAIDE HALL |
Bob relaxes, begins putting Baldy away in his
box, clearly thinks that he’s off the air, and as he’s putting Baldy away
says to the dummy . . .
An ASSISTANT signals that the microphone is open, but Bob doesn’t notice.To paraphrase the immortal words of dear old Uncle Don, “That ought to hold the old bitches for another week.”BOB BALDUCCI THREE PEOPLE in the control room signal frantically that the microphone is open.Baldy, I don’t know how much longer I can go on doing this . . .BOB(to Baldy, as to a pal) As Bob lowers the lid on Baldy’s box, he turns toward the control room and sees with horror the handwritten message THE MIKE IS ON. He drops the lid with a bang.. . . wasting my talent on a bunch of desiccated old bats.BOBCheer up, Bob! Nobody lives forever!BALDY Like Uncle Don before him, Bob went down . . .PETER (V.O.) CUT TO:
INT. PETER’S BOYHOOD BEDROOM. LATE 1950s. Knotty pine
paneling, a toy-store version of Baldy the Dummy, all the books in the
Larry Peters series (not the Hardy Boys), boat models, Studebaker models,
a Brownie camera, other 1950s boy gear. Young Peter is tuning an
Emerson clock radio.
. . . but he didn’t go away. If I tuned in late at night, there he was, still on the air . . .PETER (CONT’D., V.O.) CUT TO:
INT. BOB BALDUCCI’S LATE 1950’S STUDIO. Bob
(Lou) is sitting at a table, with the dummy lying in front of him. He’s
about to go on the air. (We never see his face.)
Bob stubs a cigarette out on Baldy’s head.Good eeeeevening, everybody, and welcome to “Baldy’s Nightcap.”BOB BALDUCCI(blows a party horn)Starrrrrring . . . Baldy the Dummy!(lifts Baldy’s head, lets it thud to the table)Hello-hello-hello, boys and girls! And hello to you, too, Bob.BALDY(Bob pokes the dummy)Say, Bob, you’re probably wondering why I’ve got this log beside me.(a pause)You’re wondering, aren’t you, Bob?Yeah.BOB Bob thrusts Baldy’s little hand into his hot cup of coffee.Well, you know what? I think it might be one of my relatives.BALDY Bob grabs Baldy’s neck with both hands and chokes him.Kind of puts me in a reminiscent mood, you know what I mean, Bob?BALDY (CONT’D.) Bob shoves Baldy aside, and the dummy falls to the floor.Yeah.BOB BALDUCCIActually, now that I remember it, I had a pretty crummy childhood.BALDY Bob casually empties his ashtray on the fallen Baldy.It wasn’t easy growing up as a dummy back in Falling Rock Zone, Minnesota.BALDY (CONT'D.) CUT TO:
INT. SMALL’S HOTEL LOUNGE.
EXT. PETER’S BACK YARD. THE CAMPING NIGHT. The campers are listening to Baldy, who is bringing his show to a close.Baldy always ended the show in the same way, with a look at some horror in the news, and then he’d say . . .PETER(imitating Baldy’s voice)Good night, boys and girls, and remember: It’s a nasty world out there.(in his own voice)Sometimes, he would add . . .(imitating Baldy)That ought to hold the little . . .(in his own voice). . . and then the mike would be switched off abruptly, leaving a wooden silence: dead air. The sound of rustling newspaper.Now let’s see what’s going on in the hideous world we live in. Got today’s paper, Bob?BALDYYeah.BOBGood boy, Bob. Let’s see . . .BALDY MUSIC UP: “Creole Love Call,” Baldy’s closing theme, comes on, and Marvin clicks the radio off. Silence falls into the dying light of the fire. Peter squirms lower in his bedroll and pulls the blanket over his head, to hide from the nasty world.Here’s something: “Ferry Sinks, Ninety Dead.” What is it with these ferries? They go down like rocks! A hundred orphans on their way to a free lunch . . . ninety lepers going to a clinic . . . two hundred virgins off to dance around a maypole. They always take the ferry! And down they go!BALDY(the voice of wisdom)Let me tell you something, boys and girls: if you see a ferry with a hundred nuns on a pilgrimage, stay off it! That boat is headed for the bottom! Right, Bob?Yeah.BOBWell, it’s time to say good night, boys and girls. Remember what Baldy says: It’s a nasty world out there.BALDY CUT TO:
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THIRTY SECONDS OF
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INT. SMALL’S HOTEL LOUNGE, A FEW MINUTES LATER.
At the bar, Lou is again playing bartender. In the discussion that follows,
have in mind all those old mysteries that begin with a civilized discussion
of an exotic poison.
Jane reaches toward his glass and holds her hand over it to indicate that she would rather Dick did not have another.Baldy the Dummy is still on the air. I tune him in sometimes late at night when I can’t sleep.PETERReally? I don’t think I’d want to listen to him in a darkened room. There’s something creepy about dummies.JANE(shudders theatrically)They make my flesh crawl. I think it’s the expression on their little faces . . . that smile, that creepy smile.It puts me in mind of the risus sardonicus.LOU(polishing a glass)What the heck is that?DICKIt’s a bizarre grin that forms on the faces of tetanus victims, brought on by spasms of the facial muscles. Not a pretty sight.LOUYou don’t say.DICK(making a gesture for a refill) Suki and Albertine exchange a glance, Suki gives her a look that says “I’ll take care of it,” and leaves.Oops. I’ve got something in the oven.SUKI(checking her watch) He takes Jane’s arm and leads her toward the door.Why do they call it the . . . what was it again?JANEThe risus sardonicus . . . so called because in ancient times there was supposed to be a certain plant that grew in Sardinia, which, when eaten, produced convulsive laughter, sardonic laughter . . . ending in death.LOUOoh. That is creepy.ALBERTINE(a shudder like Jane’s)And on that creepy note, I think we’ll call it a day.DICK Everyone is at least mildly curious.If you could wait just a minute . . . I want to try to explain an idea that Suki came up with.ALBERTINE Lou is particularly interested now.It’s midnight snacks.ALBERTINE (CONT’D.) In a refrigerator in the kitchen . . .ALBERTINE (CONT’D.) CUT TO:
INT. THE KITCHEN AT SMALL’S HOTEL. With a great billow
of smoke, Suki takes a meatloaf from the oven.
Suki tips the meatloaf from its pan onto a chopping block.. . . you will find “leftovers.”ALBERTINE (CONT’D., V.O.) Suki cuts the meatloaf into slices, wraps the slices in plastic wrap, and places them in a refrigerator, vintage 1957.That is, they resemble leftovers, but Suki is deliberately making them resemble leftovers and they are not actually left over from anything.ALBERTINE (CONT’D., V.O.) Please . . . tiptoe from your room in the middle of the night to snack on these goodies . . . because if you don’t, Suki will be terribly disappointed and the “leftovers” will just sit there in the refrigerator and go uneaten, and by the next day they will actually be leftovers, and then what would we do with them?ALBERTINE (CONT’D., V.O.) CUT TO:
INT. SMALL’S HOTEL LOUNGE. The guests don’t
know how to take Albertine’s remarks. Is she kidding? Serious? Nuts?
Dick and Jane leave, and Lou begins wiping the bar.Sure. Okay. Sounds great. Can’t wait.GUESTS AND PETER(puzzled, ad lib) They turn and go, but when they reach the doorway . . .I’ll leave everything shipshape here. You two turn in.LOU(to Peter and Albertine)Thanks, Lou. You’re the perfect guest.ALBERTINE When Peter and Albertine turn around to wish Lou good night he twists his face into a bizarre grin.Good night, boys and girls.LOU(imitating Peter’s imitation of Baldy) CUT TO:
INT. SMALL’S HOTEL ENTRANCE HALL. Just as Albertine
and Peter start up the stairs to bed, the phone rings.
It might be a vast extended family calling to take the entire hotel for a reunion, willing to pay anything.I’ll get it.PETEROh, please don’t. It’s never good news at this time of night.ALBERTINEPETER (into the phone)Hello?(to Albertine)It’s . . . um . . . Jeffrey.Jeffrey? . . . Really? . . .ALBERTINE(taking the phone)(a glance at Peter)All right, why not? Bring him out.(hanging up)Someone wants to look at the place.Oh.PETERWe’re not giving up. But we might as well let the guy look at it.ALBERTINE CUT TO:
INT. PETER AND ALBERTINE’S BEDROOM. LATER. We
look down at Peter and Albertine lying side by side in bed. Albertine turns
her bedside radio on. The reception isn’t very good tonight.
Well, Bob, it’s about time to make another entry in the catalog, isn’t it?BALDY(from the radio)Yeah.BOB(from the radio)Gather ’round the radio. It’s time to open Baldy’s Catalog of Human Misery.BALDY(from the radio) CUT TO:
INT. THE BROADCASTING STUDIO. The studio is empty
except for an AUDIO ENGINEER. A tape is running. The engineer
inserts a cartridge labeled “SOUND FX” that plays a creaking sound, as
if the catalog were in an enormous box with rusty hinges.
Every night at this time, we bring our listeners fresh proof that things could be worse, don’t we, Bob?BALDY(from the turning tape)Yeah.BOB(from the tape)You know how it is, boys and girls — some days you think things will never go right for you.BALDY(from the tape) CUT TO:
INT. PETER AND ALBERTINE’S BEDROOM. Peter listening.
Peter frowns and nods.You begin to think dark thoughts about slipping into eternal night, and you wonder whether anyone would even miss you. . . . Am I right?BALDY (CONT’D.)(from the radio) There is a quality to the way he says this that makes Peter feel that Baldy really is talking to him.Yeah.BOB(from the radio)I wasn’t talking to you, Bob.BALDY(from the radio)(dropping his voice)I was talking to you. CUT TO:
INT. LOU’S ROOM. Lou is also listening to Baldy.
He has a much fancier portable radio, and a very good pair of earphones.
Now and then he jots a note on a pad.
I am here to bring you comfort! Every night I bring you the story of someone more miserable than you are. Tonight, I want to tell you the story of a fellow who likes to be called Lou.BALDY (CONT’D., FROM THE RADIO) CUT TO:
INT. PETER AND ALBERTINE’S BEDROOM.
Lou?PETERHe said he had some idea about Baldy.ALBERTINE(pleased, intrigued)Lou got in touch with me recently to tell me his story . . . and now I’m going to tell it to you.BALDY (CONT’D., FROM THE RADIO) CUT TO:
INT. LOU’S ROOM. Lou listening.
Things were not going well for Lou, not at all. His life seemed pointless.BALDY (CONT’D., FROM THE RADIO) CUT TO:
EXT. A DRIVEWAY BESIDE A SHABBY HOUSE IN BABBINGTON.
Under lights, Dexter Burke is working on the engine of his car, with a
portable radio turned to Baldy.
Curt pulls up and gets out of a car, carrying a paper bag. Dexter looks up. Curt salutes him. Dexter looks suspicious.He was full of regret for dreams that hadn’t come true, blah, blah, blah.BALDY (CONT’D., FROM THE RADIO) CUT TO:
EXT. THE SMALL’S HOTEL PORCH. Suki is smoking a cigarette.
He was weary, but the nights brought him no rest.BALDY (CONT’D., FROM THE RADIO) CUT TO:
INT. DICK AND JANE’S ROOM. The night is not
bringing them any rest, but they certainly are enjoying it.
He was a prisoner of his own miserable self. His motto was “What’s the use?”BALDY (CONT’D., FROM THE RADIO)(sudden shift in tone)Hey! That’s your motto, Bob!Yeah.BOB (FROM THE RADIO) CUT TO:
INT. PETER AND ALBERTINE’S BEDROOM.
I know what you’re thinking, boys and girls. You think Lou took a long suck on the gas pipe, right?BALDY (FROM THE RADIO)Yeah.BOB (FROM THE RADIO)I knew he was a grumpy guy.PETER CUT TO:
INT. LOU’S ROOM. Lou listening.
Wrong! Lou found happiness at Small’s Hotel, the little hotel without a slogan . . .BALDY (FROM THE RADIO) CUT TO:
INT. JEFFREY’S COZY HOUSE IN BABBINGTON. THE PRESENT.
A fire crackles in the fireplace. Jeffrey sits in a comfy chair, sipping
cognac, looking at his snapshots of Small’s Hotel.
. . . on Small’s Island . . . um . . .BALDY (CONT’D., FROM THE RADIO)Yeah?BOB (FROM THE RADIO)(challenging Baldy). . . the little spot that time forgot.BALDY (CONT’D., FROM THE RADIO)(triumphantly) CUT TO:
INT. PETER AND ALBERTINE’S BEDROOM.
Oooh. That’s good. We could use that.ALBERTINELou made the trip across Bolotomy Bay.BALDY (FROM THE RADIO) CUT TO:
EXT. DEXTER’S DRIVEWAY. Curt chatting up Dexter, befriending
him, passing a pint in the paper bag.
He said goodbye to the life that was making him miserable, and now he’s . . . get this, Bob.BALDY (FROM THE RADIO)Yeah?BOB (FROM THE RADIO)He’s the bartender in the Small’s Hotel lounge! Good for him, right Bob?BALDY (FROM THE RADIO)Yeah.BOB (FROM THE RADIO) CUT TO:
INT. PETER AND ALBERTINE’S BEDROOM.
There is a brief silence. In a moment . . .Do drop in, folks. Meet Lou the bartender and listen to a story or two.BALDY (FROM THE RADIO) Then the microphone is switched off abruptly, and Albertine switches the radio off. Both lie in silence for a moment.That ought to hold the little . . .BALDY (FROM THE RADIO)(almost inaudibly) Albertine switches the light off.He made it sound as if Lou tells the stories.PETER(a bit annoyed) MUSIC UP: Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry! Be Happy!” CUT TO:
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 Here
are a couple of swell ideas from Eric Kraft's vivacious publicist, Candi
Lee Manning.
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Copyright © 2002 by Eric
Kraft
The scripts for The Personal History, Adventures, Experiences & Observations of Peter Leroy Television Series are works of fiction. The characters, incidents, dialogues, settings, and businesses portrayed in it are products of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. All rights reserved. No part of this teleplay may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author. The illustration at the top of the page is an adaptation of an illustration by Stewart Rouse that first appeared on the cover of the August 1931 issue of Modern Mechanics and Inventions. The boy at the controls of the aerocycle doesn’t particularly resemble Peter Leroy—except, perhaps, for the smile. |
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